And the Good News Is...

...completely gone. After obtaining some of AJ's records today, and reading the addendum to her CT report, we learned that her metopic suture is NOT open. In fact, it is completely closed. I saw it very clearly on the images also. For the life of me, I can not fathom why a radiologist would have missed it the first time. It is also very clear on the images that her skull is slightly deformed, especially on the forehead. You can also see that her eye sockets are not symmetrical like they should be. It just blows my mind that it is so obvious to me, yet the radiologist first said "no intracranial abnormalities". Needless to say, we're upset. She has two sutures that are fused, which means that we may be facing two surgeries instead of one. I really hope this is the last bit of bad news we find out for awhile.

Kendra has also caught on that something is wrong. I've tried very hard to not let on that anything is going on in front of her, and not show how scared I am, but this evening my mom came over, and we were looking at her CT films. At first she was fascinated that she got to see pictures of the inside of her sister's head, but then she started questioning why she had to have the pictures to begin with, and wanted to know if the pictures were bad. We explained to Kendra that Alexis might have to have surgery and stay in the hospital for awhile. Kendra immediately started crying. She's going to miss her baby sister, she says, and she doesn't want her to be in the hospital. We're trying to act like it's not a huge deal in front of her, while at the same time not minimizing the situation. We want her to know the truth, but not be too scared. It's a tough thing to do.

Please keep sending your prayers and positive thoughts our way as we struggle through this ordeal. We're on the roller coaster ride of a lifetime, and I've never liked roller coasters.

Worried

When I became a mom, I learned the true meaning of "worry". When they're newborns, you worry if they are getting enough sleep, enough to eat. You check the crib several times a night to make sure they're breathing.

When they enter the infant and toddler stage, you worry about them putting something dangerous in their mouths, or getting a hold of something they shouldn't. You worry about them falling when they start standing and walking, and worry about every little cough and sniffle. Fevers are a nightmare, especially if those fevers come on with no other symptoms.

Like every other good mother out there, I do everything I can to keep my children safe and happy. I comfort and nurture them when sick. I cuddle and snuggle them when they are crabby. I play silly games and do crazy dances around the house to make them smile. I rock them when they are scared. And I worry. I worry about weird diseases that they will never catch, and about injuries that will never happen.

This time, I have reason to worry. Alexis had her one year check-up today. I noticed the doctor really paying attention to her forehead. Since she was a little baby, she has always had a ridge on her forehead. I never thought it a thing I needed to worry about...until today. As the pediatrician was gently rubbing my fussy baby's head, I asked her if it was something I SHOULD be worried about. She calmly stated that she has always noticed the ridge, but that it is definitely becoming more pronounced as she gets older. I'm worried...about a little thing called metopic craniosynostosis. Basically, the pediatrician is suspicious that her metopic suture (the one that starts at the nose and goes to the top of the head, where it meets the saggital suture) has fused shut. She needs too have a CT scan. If the CT shows a fusion, or any kind of pressure on the brain, we will then have to meet with a pediatric neurologist. Our pediatrician wanted to make sure we had the very best technologist available, so she is looking at the schedule and will set us up early next week for the scan. Until then, I worry...

I debated even posting this, but it helps to "write it out". Life isn't always sunshine and roses. We'd be silly to believe that it is. So why not post about the not so fun stuff? I feel more stressed and tense than I have in a long time. I don't like the feeling of having something to really worry about. I know I should be thanking my lucky stars that my baby is still happy and healthy, and that even if she does end up having this weird thing going on, it is treatable. But let's face it...who likes the thought of their child's head being cut open and their skull being operated on? I know I'm getting ahead of myself...but I worry.

Kendra has also given me reason to worry. Today she was diagnosed with chicken pox. I know this is nothing to worry about, but I hate when my kiddos are sick. I know she'll be fine, and in a week or two you will never know anything was ever wrong. But she's sick. She has a fever. She's uncomfortable. So...I worry.

The pediatrician has also given me yet another reason to worry. In three months, she will be moving. I love our pediatrician. My kids love their doctor. She's seen Kendra since she was three months old, and Alexis since birth. I worry that we won't love her replacement as much, though she assures us we will. I worry about continuity of care. I'm sure we'll love the new one just as much, but...I worry.

I'm sure everything will be fine, but until I know for sure, all I have to do is worry.